Its been awhile. It feels longer than it sounds though. In the 2 ½ years since my last post, time has passed like the view from inside a washing machine. It’s hard to tell how things are going, and its all too overwhelming to remember how I got here.
Three months ago, my Partner left me. Looking back, it’s no surprise, but that can’t seem to minimize its weight. For the past few years I had let more and more slip through my hands until finally she did as well. Things fell away not because my tenacity to hold on became overzealous, but rather that I lost grip on the wheel as I nodded off in the driver’s seat. There was no rumble strip. I had to turn in the key to my home and take what I had left laboriously to my parents. It felt like I had fallen so fast to rock bottom that I discovered its crawlspace. I cannot let this sentence even pass however without acknowledging how blessed I am for my family and their generosity. They’ve been there for me, and now its my turn to do the same.
I started drinking in college, like most people fortunate enough to go. However, after college, I didn’t slow down. I took my drinking from a house party to my living room, and although the amount I drank didn’t change, I did. The short read is that I’ve found myself on emotional and spiritual life support. When you spend any and all your time bludgeoning your own senses, eventually you start to succeed to that end. Luckily, I’ve started to come around.
As of this writing, I am 10 weeks sober. It does in fact feel like waking up on one of those mornings where you’re too ashamed to ask what happened or make eye contact with your Love. I cannot stress enough though how grateful I am to be awake at all. Many are never again so lucky. Now the next step is to find the things I have neglected or lost. The most cherished of all being my connections to space and time. To the Gods and un-Gods. To everything outside of a bottle, to be blunt.
This Bealltainn, I’m gathering what matters, and heading back to the Summer Fields.